Cora is 15 months old! This is around the time when I weaned Evie as advised by my own doctor for my own health. Evie's pediatrician wasn't thrilled and pushed me to continue breastfeeding as long as I could. I couldn't. I had no more nutrients in my body to share.
Now, as Cora reaches this age, I feel fine. And she is thriving. I don't think either of us are ready for her to wean, and it's a nice change to be able to decide for myself and also continue to give her what she wants and needs. I know the time will come when one of us decides to take the lead on this, but it hasn't arrived yet so I'll continue to enjoy her final moments of babyhood.
Evie and Cora become more interactive with each other every day and it is so fun to watch. That often entails them bickering or snatching toys from one another. Cora has a few words, but her clearest one is "no!". Sometimes she says it even when she means yes. But she is emphatic either way. She sees Evie coming near a toy and she pulls it to the other side of her body, dramatically purses her lips and shouts "nnnnnnnnnnnnnno!". Evie often takes it anyway, and then Cora throws herself onto the floor and starts yelling or crying. Oh boy. And so it is, and will likely be until they're 30.
We're desperately trying to help Evie learn to be a better sharer. Will and I feel like this is one area where we have perhaps misstepped as parents. We were going along with the idea that if a child had a toy first, it was up to him or her to decide when to relinquish it. That the whole idea of forced turns, you get 2 minutes and now she gets 2 minutes, was ridiculous and too involved. After having worked with so many helicopter parents at Northwestern and UChicago, we had vowed not to become those people. Every parenting book we read said the same thing: children are capable of figuring these things out for themselves. Let them learn to solve their own conflicts, so long as no hitting or violent behavior is involved, step back. Sounded great, in theory.
In practice, however, we seem to be the outliers. Our friends constantly step in and discipline their kids if a toy is snatched or not being shared. If a child is crying, our friends rush right in and start solving the problem for them. Evie sees this and sees the attention being paid to her or the other child and often instigates another situation seemingly just to see what will happen next time. As a result, it has put me at odds with one of my best friends nearby. This friend says she doesn't want to get involved, but her daughter is one who quickly sheds tears, and she steps in every.single.time. And if Evie did anything the parent feels to have been even slightly not fair, she speaks up in place of her daughter and tells Evie she isn't being nice, or that her daughter might not want to play with her anymore. Will and I are getting so tired of watching this go on that we've pulled back on hanging out with these very close friends of ours. We don't believe Evie to be doing anything dramatically wrong. And we believe she and her friend are capable of working it out. More than capable. Most of all, we believe it's important for them to learn this! When we don't step in, we have in fact witnessed the two girls quickly moving past the incident or working it out between themselves. But it's gotten to a point where (in my opinion) this friend is getting involved every time. Perhaps because she believes Evie is not being nice to her daughter and wants to protect her. And I get that. I really do. But I don't agree with it. I feel fundamentally that as parents it is our responsibility to let our kids learn what they are capable of, and to see how their actions affect others. They test this out in the form of play all the time. If their friend cries because they took something, they learn from that. But if an adult steps in and issues a punishment or harsh words, I feel the child might lose the lesson and instead resent the adult or the other child.
So now I'm at a point where I don't want to see my friend anymore, because I don't know how to approach her about this. What I want to say is "hey. You know how you complain about it being annoying that your child cries and whines all the time? Guess what. YOU'RE ENCOURAGING HER!!!!! Every time you react to her crying over something tiny, she gets what she wants. Your attention. And in the meantime, my child is beginning to think it is her roll to make your child cry. Because she also likes getting attention from an adult. And you give her attention every time your child cries. Because you then blame my child. STEP BACK! Have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Relax." Okay, okay. That's unreasonable. I know. Now I'm the parent overprotecting her kid. Which is why I haven't said anything. I feel like she is constantly coming down on Evie for the slightest thing, and when her daughter does something to Evie, this parent isn't issuing a similar response.
Sigh.
Despite all this, I know that Evie isn't the worlds best sharer. She has been able to take toys from Cora with no real consequence for over a year. We've tried to point out when Cora is crying and asked her why she thinks that might be. Half the time she says it was because she took a toy and she gives that toy back. The other half she tries to give Cora a different toy or distract her. And, at least for now, Cora has been okay with that. Once Cora develops her own voice, she and Evie will learn a lot from one another. But in the meantime, I struggle with how to parent this situation with her friend.
Now, as Cora reaches this age, I feel fine. And she is thriving. I don't think either of us are ready for her to wean, and it's a nice change to be able to decide for myself and also continue to give her what she wants and needs. I know the time will come when one of us decides to take the lead on this, but it hasn't arrived yet so I'll continue to enjoy her final moments of babyhood.
Evie and Cora become more interactive with each other every day and it is so fun to watch. That often entails them bickering or snatching toys from one another. Cora has a few words, but her clearest one is "no!". Sometimes she says it even when she means yes. But she is emphatic either way. She sees Evie coming near a toy and she pulls it to the other side of her body, dramatically purses her lips and shouts "nnnnnnnnnnnnnno!". Evie often takes it anyway, and then Cora throws herself onto the floor and starts yelling or crying. Oh boy. And so it is, and will likely be until they're 30.
We're desperately trying to help Evie learn to be a better sharer. Will and I feel like this is one area where we have perhaps misstepped as parents. We were going along with the idea that if a child had a toy first, it was up to him or her to decide when to relinquish it. That the whole idea of forced turns, you get 2 minutes and now she gets 2 minutes, was ridiculous and too involved. After having worked with so many helicopter parents at Northwestern and UChicago, we had vowed not to become those people. Every parenting book we read said the same thing: children are capable of figuring these things out for themselves. Let them learn to solve their own conflicts, so long as no hitting or violent behavior is involved, step back. Sounded great, in theory.
In practice, however, we seem to be the outliers. Our friends constantly step in and discipline their kids if a toy is snatched or not being shared. If a child is crying, our friends rush right in and start solving the problem for them. Evie sees this and sees the attention being paid to her or the other child and often instigates another situation seemingly just to see what will happen next time. As a result, it has put me at odds with one of my best friends nearby. This friend says she doesn't want to get involved, but her daughter is one who quickly sheds tears, and she steps in every.single.time. And if Evie did anything the parent feels to have been even slightly not fair, she speaks up in place of her daughter and tells Evie she isn't being nice, or that her daughter might not want to play with her anymore. Will and I are getting so tired of watching this go on that we've pulled back on hanging out with these very close friends of ours. We don't believe Evie to be doing anything dramatically wrong. And we believe she and her friend are capable of working it out. More than capable. Most of all, we believe it's important for them to learn this! When we don't step in, we have in fact witnessed the two girls quickly moving past the incident or working it out between themselves. But it's gotten to a point where (in my opinion) this friend is getting involved every time. Perhaps because she believes Evie is not being nice to her daughter and wants to protect her. And I get that. I really do. But I don't agree with it. I feel fundamentally that as parents it is our responsibility to let our kids learn what they are capable of, and to see how their actions affect others. They test this out in the form of play all the time. If their friend cries because they took something, they learn from that. But if an adult steps in and issues a punishment or harsh words, I feel the child might lose the lesson and instead resent the adult or the other child.
So now I'm at a point where I don't want to see my friend anymore, because I don't know how to approach her about this. What I want to say is "hey. You know how you complain about it being annoying that your child cries and whines all the time? Guess what. YOU'RE ENCOURAGING HER!!!!! Every time you react to her crying over something tiny, she gets what she wants. Your attention. And in the meantime, my child is beginning to think it is her roll to make your child cry. Because she also likes getting attention from an adult. And you give her attention every time your child cries. Because you then blame my child. STEP BACK! Have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Relax." Okay, okay. That's unreasonable. I know. Now I'm the parent overprotecting her kid. Which is why I haven't said anything. I feel like she is constantly coming down on Evie for the slightest thing, and when her daughter does something to Evie, this parent isn't issuing a similar response.
Sigh.
Despite all this, I know that Evie isn't the worlds best sharer. She has been able to take toys from Cora with no real consequence for over a year. We've tried to point out when Cora is crying and asked her why she thinks that might be. Half the time she says it was because she took a toy and she gives that toy back. The other half she tries to give Cora a different toy or distract her. And, at least for now, Cora has been okay with that. Once Cora develops her own voice, she and Evie will learn a lot from one another. But in the meantime, I struggle with how to parent this situation with her friend.
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