A letter to Evie and Cora
As we go through this--for weeks now--quarantine, we're all being forced to reconcile some things we otherwise bury with busy-ness or distractions. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am uncomfortable with any feeling other than happiness. If you're sad, upset, angry, jealous, frustrated, etc, I will likely tell you to get over it. I will not say "that's okay". I might try to - for a second - but it triggers me.
Your aunt Becca said that was the hardest part of growing up with our mom. Grandma Becky always said "you don't have the luxury for that emotion right now". And maybe I'm misremembering it. Maybe she gave us some room for sadness or less pleasant emotions, but what I took away from my childhood was that there was little time or patience in the world for anything other than joy.
In a sense, that's true. The world isn't very kind to depression or sadness or feelings of upset. You're allowed to grieve death or a loss of some kind, but please get over it quickly. It makes everyone around you feel uncomfortable. And wow. What a place to be? To knock out such human emotions such as those and say "get on with it!"
So, I'm writing to you to say I'm sorry if I'm perpetuating this cycle. I feel my level of discomfort around these emotions and recognize they push me to the brink often. And so I'm sorry if you learn the same thing I learned; that happiness is the only acceptable emotion. I am working on this. I will try to be there with you in your moments of sadness or upset. I will try to curb my gut reaction to move it along. I will try to allow you to feel. And I hope that in doing so, I can teach you that these emotions are equally okay. That maybe they don't need to be shared with the world, but that as your mother, they're safe here with me. You can be fully yourself with me.
I love you both so much. This thing called parenting isn't easy and it forces us to learn so much about ourselves as humans and our levels of tolerance around things we never even knew existed before. Thank you for being you and thank you for letting me love you and for loving me in return.
I'm also so proud of you. I've seen what you can do during this quarantine. We've taken you on hikes over 8 miles, and both of you have persevered. Finding time to connect with nature in all of this is the only thing keeping us sane. That, and laughter.
As we go through this--for weeks now--quarantine, we're all being forced to reconcile some things we otherwise bury with busy-ness or distractions. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am uncomfortable with any feeling other than happiness. If you're sad, upset, angry, jealous, frustrated, etc, I will likely tell you to get over it. I will not say "that's okay". I might try to - for a second - but it triggers me.
Your aunt Becca said that was the hardest part of growing up with our mom. Grandma Becky always said "you don't have the luxury for that emotion right now". And maybe I'm misremembering it. Maybe she gave us some room for sadness or less pleasant emotions, but what I took away from my childhood was that there was little time or patience in the world for anything other than joy.In a sense, that's true. The world isn't very kind to depression or sadness or feelings of upset. You're allowed to grieve death or a loss of some kind, but please get over it quickly. It makes everyone around you feel uncomfortable. And wow. What a place to be? To knock out such human emotions such as those and say "get on with it!"
So, I'm writing to you to say I'm sorry if I'm perpetuating this cycle. I feel my level of discomfort around these emotions and recognize they push me to the brink often. And so I'm sorry if you learn the same thing I learned; that happiness is the only acceptable emotion. I am working on this. I will try to be there with you in your moments of sadness or upset. I will try to curb my gut reaction to move it along. I will try to allow you to feel. And I hope that in doing so, I can teach you that these emotions are equally okay. That maybe they don't need to be shared with the world, but that as your mother, they're safe here with me. You can be fully yourself with me.
I love you both so much. This thing called parenting isn't easy and it forces us to learn so much about ourselves as humans and our levels of tolerance around things we never even knew existed before. Thank you for being you and thank you for letting me love you and for loving me in return.
I'm also so proud of you. I've seen what you can do during this quarantine. We've taken you on hikes over 8 miles, and both of you have persevered. Finding time to connect with nature in all of this is the only thing keeping us sane. That, and laughter.
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