Today Will was supposed to go skiing with Cora. So I stayed home to work from home so that he could do that. She ended up deciding not to go, and I was immediately resentful that Will didn't say "go to work Liz. I'll stay." Granted, I told him specifically to go up and enjoy the 15 fresh inches. The season is almost over. I know this. I know he will soon have a job again and won't have the freedom to head up the mountain. But even as I told him to go, I could feel the resentment bubbling in my stomach. That feeling of "it must be nice..."
It has taken 2 hours to realize that what's really going on here is my own stuff. That I really struggle to give myself permission to truly disconnect. To not be needed by anyone or anything. No kids. No husband. No friend. No work. No text message or email or or or. I am trapped by my own need to feel productive at every moment. The house needs cleaning. The emails need responding. The kids need raising. The outside needs upkeep. The birthday party needs to be planned. I realize the only moments when I am not forcing myself to keep busy are when I watch one single show at night or when I have a glass of wine or another alcoholic beverage. And I realize that's because I'm still DOING something. Watching. Drinking. Something.
The idea of sitting by myself without actually doing anything. Wow. What would I even do with that time? I would certainly feel guilty for taking it. Even a spa day feels productive for me. I'm working out aches and pains or hydrating my face. I'm not 'not doing'. I'm just letting someone else do for me. And I only give myself permission to go to a spa when it's my birthday or other special occasion, so even that indulgence feels so grand that it should only be 1x a year. If I'm hiking or biking by myself it is done with a time limit and a desire for exercise. Not for just being in the moment.
If I think about where I could truly just be, I imagine myself by a mountain stream. No one around me. Except maybe my sister. I would love the opportunity to just be alone but I haven't any idea how I would handle it. Could I?
The gift I would love to pass down to my girls is that it is OK to take a few hours for yourself. To let go. To be only with yourself. To let yourself be needed by yourself. I haven't any idea how to do that. But I think that's why we're here. Santa Fe gives me much more access to that than anywhere else we've ever lived. So. I am going to give myself permission to do this. To exit my role as a mom, a wife, a co-worker, a friend. And just be. I don't know when I'll do it. But it will be okay when I do.
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