Natural born leader

We had a particularly tough weekend with Evie. Cora turned four this weekend and we threw her a very small party. Her first ever. Evie has had a party at every single birthday. Cora, well, I just haven't had the energy, and she was too young/never seemed to mind. Knowing that there was a chance we might be moving to Luxembourg this winter, I wanted to give Cora the chance at having one birthday party where her friends and family could be in attendance. Things might change for a few years of coming birthdays and I felt I owed her that.

This small celebration, and Cora receiving a handful of gifts (really, not many, and Evie received a few as well) was very very very difficult for Evie to accept. You could tell she wanted it to be a nice day for Cora, but her jealousy was preventing her from helping that to happen. For example, she got Cora a nice present, and helped her open it and set it up. When Cora opened her next small gift, which consisted of three "squishes" (little stress ball like toys), Evie asked if she could have one. Cora said no. I explained to Evie that maybe after Cora got to play with them a little while she might be more apt to share. But Evie couldn't control her jealous feelings. She got angry and tried to take something else of Cora's. When we asked her to give it back, she stormed off screaming she hated her and hated all of us. Later, she calmed down, but then quickly escalated back to hysteria when Cora told her she could help color the squishies but could not in fact have one. This went on for an hour, back and forth between the two of them, before Cora finally told Evie she could have one. I'm not sure what lesson was learned here. That bullying and throwing a fit gets you what you want? Did Cora learn to just give in to a bully? Or was it actual sharing and problem solving? Did Cora feel like she didn't need 3 squishies, and that she could in fact give one to her sister? After all, Evie offered to give her something in return. I'm torn as to whether it was a fair negotiation or a bulldozing. They both seemed happy enough with their solution, so I left it alone.

Then came Cora's party. We played a few simple games (Simon Says, Musical Chairs, Freeze Dance). Each time Evie was "out" she threw a fit. I felt embarrassed. I felt angry that Cora and the other kids were watching that instead of enjoying the party. I also felt empathy for Evie. I know she's super competitive and the day hadn't gone well, so I think she built up the games in her mind as a way to win a prize and feel redeemed. When she wasn't winning the games it felt like all too much.

After I put the girls to bed last night, I was tearing up. Worried about how this was all going to play out in the future. Would the girls be able to be friends later in life? Or would this jealousy keep rearing it's ugly head and break them apart? Would I be able to maintain my calm? Or would I lose it? I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect parent. As though doing so would somehow mean that my children will grow up happy and healthy and have wonderful lives. I don't care if they are the most successful richest person in the world or a ski bum who can just pay rent, I just want them to be happy. And also to be able to afford whatever life they want. If they want a simple 'no frills' life, then I hope they find a job that they love and make enough free time to enjoy that simplicity. If they want a big house and big job, then I hope they also maintain their values of love and laughter and are able to enjoy the fruits that come with the tremendous labor associated with those things. In other words, my only hope for them is love and connection. I don't have some large expectation for what they will "be". I only want them to choose happiness. Every day.

Without my mom here, without her glowing spirit and wisdom, I wonder if I do a good enough job teaching my children the lessons she taught me. I know she wasn't perfect. I know she made mistakes. But I feel I absorbed so many useful life lessons from her. That failure is a choice, and really what makes success is learning from mistakes. That everything in life is really a choice. How you interpret a situation, whether you're happy or not. So I feel heartbroken when I see the girls demonstrate their unhappiness or dissatisfaction or jealousy or anger. I want to shake them and say THIS IS A CHOICE!!! CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY!!!" But that doesn't quite work with a 4 and 6.5 year old.

So as the night wrapped up, Kathy (Nana) reminded me that what makes Evie tough to parent, her fire, also makes her a hell of a lot of fun. She goes into most fearful situations with guns blazing. She conquers skiing, ice skating, bike riding, etc with no fear. She goes up to random people and chats with them. She is not afraid to ask for what she wants. She is intensely curious about everything and she is determined to get her way. Does this make it hard to parent her? Hell yes. Are those also the qualities that will make her successful in life one day? Yes. I believe they are. Now I just have to find a way to help her learn how to channel her fire into her happiness. To recognize she can approach her life with intensity of purpose. To be driven by her values. And hopefully to love and laugh intensely along the way.